Prompt:   Name a time that you were very surprised. Write a story about what happened that surprised you.

 One bright sunny day I was sitting on my couch watching t.v. I looked out the window and saw a truck pull up in the driveway. The truck had a shiny white, and blue trailor behind it. I figured they were just turning around.

 All of a sudden I heard the doorbell ring. I got up and opened the door. There was a tall man in a blue suit at the door. He asked "if he could see my dad."  I told him, "I would go and get him." My dad came to the door. They talked for quite a while.

 I was very curious to know what they were talking about. Before I knew it they had gone outside. My dad called me and "told me to come here." When I got outside I saw my dad holding on to a horse. I loved horses. All my life I had wanted one, I figured the man had come to get his horse a shot or a checkup. My dad said, "this horse is for you. I couldn't believe it. I figured my ear's were playing tricks on me, but they weren't. The man gave us the saddle, briddle, holter, and lead rope. Then he left. I very surprised. The horse's name is Toby. He is brown, with a few white spot's on him, and a golden blonde maine and tail.

 In conclusion I felt extremly good when I recieved the horse. It was a total surprise. That was the best surprise I could have ever recieved.
 
 

Score Point 3:
 This response establishes an evenly elaborated sequence of events leading up to the revelation of the surprise (getting the horse). The writer does a nice job of building suspense throughout. However, there is a minor weakness at the end of the paper when the writer slips out of the narrative mode (…"the horses name is Toby…In conclusion….")