Prompt:   Name a time that you were very surprised. Write a story about what happened that surprised you.
 
 

One day I was surprised. I was surprised on my birthday. It was July 28, 1995. My friends came over. My friends are Ashley, Ashley, Heather, and Casey. They are girls.

 Then we played Bingo. We played for dolles. My friend Kim came late. When she go there we whent and jumped on my trampaleen. My mom pop 6 bags of popcorn. We lied down on the trampaleen and talk about our club we had.

 Next we talked about boys. We got of.  We went in side and ate lunch. We ate soup. We got threw. Got are swiwing-soups on and got in the pool.

 Finaly we swam in the pool tille super. We ate hotdogs. We wached TV. It was time to got to bed. My dad said I was having a sleepover. Then some ovey my friends sleap on the flor and my waterbed.

 I feel good for my friends to surprise me on my birthday. We will be friends forever. I was happy. My friends are happy too.

Score Point 2:
 This response exhibits a weak command of narrative writing. The response is focused and establishes a progression of vents but has a list-like quality.

· Tells a story-----friends come over---sleep over-
· Starts strong, ends weak - lists
· Don't see any surprise in writing
· Gaps in sequencing